Looking back at Sri Ayehsa

My brother asked me last night, "Why don't you go back to Sri Ayesha?"

I smiled at that question and said, "That's a very good question. You know what, the answer will be in my blog."

The idea of writing it didn't came until today when I visited Sri Ayesha. If you guys want to know, Sri Ayesha is a school that I attended to when I was year 4 (4th grade) until year 6 (6th grade). You might as well say that Sri Ayesha had teach me a lot of things but it wasn't enough to mature me. But, I like the school nonetheless.

It was a very quick visit because I only came to pick up my siblings, but you might as well say many things did happened. Sri Ayesha was so different yet still the same. I don't know what's the difference,but I could feel it in my heart. It is so weird to be back to a place that you supposedly belong, but didn't feel the belonging. That's how I feel. A foreigner. You might as well accused me crazy, but I could not deny the feeling of uneasiness and anxiousness. 

Really, I plan my visit to be a happy fun times thing. It will be full of rainbows and unicorns and lush green flowery view, but nope. I felt ridiculous, vulnerable and stupid. So, I asked my best friend's sister to go find my little sister. But before that, I met one of teachers when I was year 4. My BM teacher. She was shocked to see me again and yeah, she asked me a question, "Which school did you go to?" When I answer, I cannot help the feeling of regret. I thought why my school didn't sound so good and professional like MRSM or a boarding school? I met with my sister and when upstairs to find my brother.

My brother is being a complete dick and his friends are also dicks and well, basically all boys are a dick to me except my father. Hey, if it sounds offensive to you, then, I'm sorry, you lousy dicks. I know the girls and boys have separate class in secondary, but I didn't know it's forbidden to go there. I was thinking, that's silly. How I am supposed to get my brother if he was in the other side of the hallway? I was like F you rules I didn't go in this school anymore and let's get this boy and leave. I know it was stupid of me to think of that, but really, I could tell this visit is not going the way I was planning to. 

My brother's friends is being disturbing for not letting me get my brother. Really, I know he is there. He just laugh his head off when I entered the room. They thought they could lie to me, so I could downstairs to find him my brother? Do they think I am stupid? Really, boys, I bet you don't know what are the organelles in a cell.  I strode in there and they visage changed like, "Hey, you cannot come in here!" "She's coming! She's COMING!" "Forbidden, girl, get out." I get my brother but he keep stalling! Talking to his friends like there's no one waiting for him! My little sister was acting like a five year old and I cannot stand when she act like that. Disrupting my progress of getting out of here and you know what happened next? There's this boy just walking past and my sister pointed at him and said, "He's your boyfriend!" I was like damn it. My sister is being embarrassing to me again! I didn't know that guy's name and she just shouted like that! Doesn't she have a thought that I and whoever that guy is have feelings! Really, whoever you, the guy, are, I am truly sorry. I was hoping my unluckiness will end but nope. There's a dick bloody A-hole saw me. 

This guy recognized me in some way and he said, "Huh, you still exist.," and strode away like he didn't have a care for the world. Curses were playing in my head, directing to him. Hey, that guy use this tone of voice that made me want to punch him in his face! You might say I am violence or bad but no! Just no! He have no respect in women! He is being a dick to me and I don't like it! Now, I realized I should be off. I want to be off and away. You know what guy, I am going to apologize you for your....disrespect. But, revenge is bittersweet. I am sorry that I don't your name or recognized you, but if I did, I would have post all around the world that you have no respect to me. 

I cannot believe my little childhood school had become a hell. I wish my visit had become a little bit happy. You know, just a little bit. I didn't even find my friends or anything. I was wondering if they even remember me. I was wondering if the teachers even remember me. I don't know. I was hoping to see all my teachers on that visit, but it didn't went that way. 

My brother's question was the same question that he ask me a long time ago. I was, "Why don't you want to go back to Denver?" My reason will be the same. I really want to go back to Sri Ayesha, but I know I didn't belong there. People there they know each other and I know if I went back they will all like "Fatihah!" and then after a moment or two, they went back to their friends. I know that because it happen to me when I first came back from US and I went to my neighborhood school. They act exactly like that. I don't want to have that feeling again. The feeling of knowing that you know this people but that people is not making themselves know me better. I do have friends in Sri Ayesha but I bet they rather spend more time with their friends rather than me who just somehow disappear from Malaysia for two and half years and somehow reappear again. Anyway, I didn't leave a legacy at Sri Ayesha. I bet no one wants to see my unlegacy face and action in Sri Ayesha. Eri, Wani and Kak Kamalia leave a legacy and you could see it because their face is everywhere in the school. 

Man, I don't get how my brother get along with people so well. Maybe, he is a boy and I am self-pitying myself. Huh, I been self-pitying myself for the whole time in this blog. Anyway, I want to send something to you guys before I leave. Please have a respect towards girls because you might not know that the girl you just tease might kick you in the balls and flip the middle finger at you. Second, don't self-pitying yourself like me. You don't go anywhere if you self-pitying yourself. Really, just think you can do it. But, don't overconfident. Three, you need to learn more about legacy. Legacy is big or small imprint that you left behind and yeah, I am self-pitying myself that I didn't leave a legacy in Sri Ayesha. I am really sure I didn't leave a legacy behind because I didn't do something big. I got average on everything. I bet my teachers were like, "Umm...do you remember this kid who is normal and average every time?" Shucks, all I want to say is be yourself to leave a legacy. You might say "no, it doesn't work" but believe me, I am myself when I was schooling at US and I didn't know I will get that much attention. And yes, I leave a legacy behind there and I hope my friends and teachers will remember me, as the first Malaysian to go to TJ and one of the smartest, kindest, different person they ever know.

Hey, I didn't self-pitying myself in the end. 

Well, I wish you all have a nice wonderful day.

Wish Well Wisher